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Hi Badger fans!

With time Inevitably comes age, change and taxes (though not the taxes on un-repaid season ticket loans).

Age brings wisdom and so here I find myself chewing on some particularly dry chicken breast whist musing on the next big badger change. After 12 years elapsed (or nearly 70 days in the office), I am to leave the company where the people who are like a second family to me work and move to the next chapter in my professional work avoidance.

It was a tough decision but bravery won in the end. I’ll need to face fresh challenges, learn new technologies, new names and even turn up for the first couple of months. But hardest of all is the knowledge that I’ll have to contribute fairly to the r…, r…, rou, rooouuun, rounds for a while.

But so much for the start of the next chapter, what about the end of this one? It is said that “cool guys walk away from explosions”.

But for that to happen, someone would need to turn up in the first place to set the bomb. And if you think I’m turning up to do that you can fuck right off.

And that fellow mustelids is why badgers don’t walk away from explosions.

Badger out!

HBDC

Dropped in to the city yesterday, didn’t bother with my allocated office as thought it best to keep out of the watchful eye of management. Instead, I opted to kill some time in the new office over the road and keep my head down….

After an hour or two, I decided that in fact the best way to keep out of sight would be a public house, so at lunchtime I sought out some colleagues and interrupted their vegan dining. Vegan – I ask you!?! What’s all that about “ooooh vegan!”. Anyway, once they’d eaten their disgusting food I took a few for another drink, then another, then another…

I guess that’s me done in the capital for at least a few days now, don’t want that gout to flare up from the physical exertion so I’ll have a rest at home with my mate Jimmy B.

After months of intensive effort, almost half a year with some of the finest physios known to man, so many disappointments, false starts and shattered hopes, it’s finally happened.

I’ve shed tears of pure determination, picked myself up countless times covered in the thick dust of bitter disappointment, but by pushing on with the bloody, single minded focus that only a bulked mustelid is able to produce, yesterday … I was able to scratch behind my head.

If I keep on like this, by next year I may be able to touch my shoulders, or even (darest I think this) be able to remove a sticker someone’s put on my back.

Watch this space fellow badger fans, great things can happen.

HBDC

Diplomatic immunity, overrated

Bacterial immunity, not needed.

The problem with resistance to pathogens (other than alcohol) is that being well doesn’t give you a reason to not work.

And we all know that the third chakra of mustelid (after “always be bulking” and “buy no rounds”) is “do not work if you can find a good excuse not to work” and I realised that after having a broken down car or a sick child, being sick yourself is a great way to avoid the office.

Can you think of any other sure-fire ways to rack up the absences dear reader? Feel free to leave comments below on the creative (or extremely repetitive) methods you’ve used to stay at home.

HBDC

It can be easy to loose sight of what’s important when the gains don’t come as you hope, so what better time of year than Easter for me to share with you a little something that the spiritual side of your favourite badger turns to when things aren’t going as easily as he hopes.

I give you the badger’s prayer:

Our Father, who art in the gym

ripped be thy name;

thy kingdom come;

big gains will be done;

in the gym as it is on YouTube.

Give us this day our daily eggs.

And forgive us our poor form,

as we forgive those who don’t re-rack the weights.

And lead us not into calorie deficit

but deliver us from injury.

For thine is the big guns,

the power and the bulk,

for ever and ever.

Amen.

August 2018.

That’s the last time I made so much unappreciated effort. I even blogged about it at the time so monumentous was the occasion.

Back then it was two days in a row and it resulted in OCD (office degenerative disease – a potentially serious health condition for badgers where the dry office atmosphere results in seething open flesh wounds and even more worryingly, the risk that I’ll have to buy a round).

But this week …. four days.

“But Badger!” I hear you cry “you’ve broken the primary rule!”

And you’re right, the principle of “bulk before work” is very important, but not immutable.

Sometimes great sacrifices must be made. Legends cannot be forged without effort and life is not a straight line. It’s rules are not simple and neither is the mind of a badger.

We are unpredictable and if you think you’ve worked us out, that’s when you’ll find out you haven’t.

If you think we’ve bought you a round, that’s when you’ll find out we’re actually hiding in the toilet whilst the barman hands you the drink and you’re forced to pay for it.

And that’s when you’ll find out that we have great things in us, like a four day week.

Never underestimate a badger. That’s what we want you to do and we’ll be ready, lying in wait for when you make such a grave and foolish mistake.

C-R-A-C-K ! ! !

They all heard it as the sound of my freshly herniated disk echoed around the mirrored walls of the gym. Some came running over to see if I was alright, but little did the fools know that their concern, albeit well meaning, was utterly wasted here.

A gym injury to a badger is like singing at dawn to a chaffinch! It’s second nature. I’ve had so many injuries now I’m pretty much a professional, I can self diagnose and almost immediately know if the correct course of treatment is 3 pints of Old Rosie before bed, an intensive course of Stella (three an hour on the hour) or for the more serious ailment, to crack out the old Jim Bean Devil’s Cut … and a straw.

The thing with an injury is that it lets you know you’re pushing hard enough, into the territory that others don’t have the commitment to go to, into the bulk-zone!

Remember the best rule for gains is – “Go large, then go to A&E”.

Badger out!

HBDC

So yesterday the big boss man at my place of, errr, the place I turn up to now and again, sent me a personal invite to star in the companies new ad campaign.

Well, naturally the Badger was the perfect choice for this, with his rugged good looks and strong muscular physique and I applaud that such a fine decision was made by the management team to immortalise such a character in their new marketing campaign

Only two slight problems.

1. Money. The HB does in no way work for free, if you want to use his trade marked good looks to woo in potential new customers, then I’m afraid you’re going to have to dig deep sonny boy .

2. Availability. Initial photos followed up by a secondary photo shoot? Who are they kidding? HB doesn’t require a “test run”, you’re dealing with a professional here you muppets, and I’m certainly not turning up for two days in the same calendar week, you should be aware by now that the HB has a very busy schedule.

So unless I receive a revised offer dealing with both of the above points, the HB is out.

HB out.

No:

Yes:

The effort. The sacrifice. The sole pursuit of a single goal no matter what the personal cost.

Thats right badger friends, for two days in a row now I’ve been in the office.

People will remember this. They’ll hold me up as a shining example to future generations of why the beginning of the millennia was so prosperous.

Of course such monumental effort comes with a price. My office old allergy started to come back, already the flesh on my forearm is deteriorating. I told my office buddies it was a burn from the BBQ as I don’t want them to know my suffering (and weakness to the alcohol free office environment).

I’m telling you this so it’s not forgotten. And I’m telling you this so you know, that if you truly wish for something, then make the effort and the sacrifice to get it.

And with that, in my weakened state, I must go and recover.

HB out